I sit here listening to a mix Ed Sheeran and Coldplay serenade me as I think about either sleeping, doing homework, or watching more Gilmore Girls (which seems to be the winning contender). I decided to take a break and do a round of blog reading. As I was going about this I began to think about why I blog. If you started from the beginning of this lovely blog, and I hope you did, you'll know that I started this blog for a writing final. The professor just wanted us to have a few entries from time to time up until he graded them and then we could be done basically. But I had wanted to start a blog for some while and I just figured "Hey! When life gives you lemons. Right?" But why blog, liv? I mean I could have easily been done with this a long time ago, so why keep going. I'm not very good at blogging consistently but I'm trying I swear. Here are a few reasons as to why I began this blog....
1. A tiny (very very small) part of me always wanted to become a writer.
2. I'm going on a study abroad so I might as well keep this going, right?
3. I suck at writing things down but I'm always on my computer so I can easily access it anywhere.
and finally
4. I just want to share my thoughts.
I feel that number 4, and 2 of course, are my most important reasons. My purpose of this blog wasn't to become famous, it isn't so people can gush over my life because it is far from "gushable" material, it wasn't so I could be trendy and join the crowd. It was for me. I haven't told many people about this blog and if I have I bet they have forgotten about it. But I have a feeling someone out there reads it and even if no one is reading it... so what? *shrug* This is for me, my journey as a student, learning more about myself, and gaining knowledge that will someday help me in whatever life has in store for me.
If anyone who reads this knows me in any way, they know that I never stop talking. I'm loud, abrupt, outgoing, and just share a lot. Like A LOT. I've come to realize that this is not the case for everyone. Obviously everyone is not as loud as me, I learned that a loooong time ago, but I've come to realize that not everyone is as sharing as I am. Of course there are some things I keep to myself, but I feel that I'm generally an open book. My best friends know basically everything about me. I'm very giving, loving, and trusting and I give my love and trust to them hoping they handle it with care because it is tiny pieces of me. Now you may be asking yourself- "Doesn't she know that could lead to her being hurt by those people??" And yes, I do. I've already experienced it. I've had my best friends walk all over me and take advantage of how trusting I am. They know that no matter what, I'm always going to be there for them. No matter what. I've had best friends just disappear out of my life with no explanation. With them goes those little pieces of me, just waiting and wanting to come back, and just when I begin to feel whole again, said friends come back into your life and you are torn again because you don't know that to do. Trust or not trust?? That is what has been circling in my brain for DAYS on end now.
TRUST
How are some more trusting than others? How do people walk all over you when you have given them all of your trust? I mean it's not like I'm expecting everyone I come in contact with to tell me their life story, because that it just silly! But I guess I'm hurt knowing that I share so much with people and they either take advantage of it, or disregard it like it wasn't hard for me to give up. Trusting someone and having trust be broken is a big part of life that we all have to learn eventually. It still hurts just the same. But I don't mean to be heavy with the weight of my thoughts. They run away from me at night... It's dangerous. I'll try to contain them next time, but no promises. Trust has just never been an issue for me up until lately, and I don't want previous experiences to make me become jaded and cynical about life. "Trust no one" pssshh. I ain't about that. I guess as the end of the Thankful Month coming to a close, I have become thankful for the trials and bumps in the road that I have encountered. I know that seems weird to be grateful for short comings but I feel that this month has shown me to be grateful in all circumstances, and to be careful who I give little pieces of myself to.
Until next time,
-O
